Dark Matter
by Kiku Nakamura
Summary: She slept and when she rose, there was a sick, dreadful feeling in her chest. It was a void inside of her, full of dark matter and sucked up happiness, like an antagonist in children's stories.


_Dark Matter  
_by: Kiku Nakamura

* * *

Her cellphone was ringing as she began to climb into bed. It was rare that anyone ever called her, the twentieth century in Japan didn't consist of much calling other people unless it was family and the young generation made up for it in sending a lot of text messages.

When she picked up her phone, there was no greeting."Gou-kun, can I meet up with you at the usual place tomorrow at 12?"

"Of course. What's this about?" the girl replied.

"I'd rather tell you in person tomorrow."

She took the answer smoothly and looked forward to noon. "Okay. See you tomorrow, Sei."

Gou was feeling something bubbly being contained inside her. She and Seijuro never met up often but the times that they did meant so much to her; they just texted a lot. They were somewhat like mail buddies. They texted each other way more than it was healthy and Gou really liked it.

Texting Seijuro wasn't like texting Hana-chan. He didn't talk about what he bought on a spree at the mall (unless it was about a new swimsuit) or whatever gossip he heard was going around. They had genuine conversations about random things that they liked or what they felt was going wrong with their day. She enjoyed when he asked for song recommendations. It was nice hearing someone ask her for her opinion on things.

Although the red-haired man who was once the captain of the swim team, now a fourth year in college had a very fiery attitude towards life, he listened to more mellow music. It was something that Gou had found interesting about him. She didn't know why she was so intrigued with the man, but it made her look forward to the nights when they would text each other until 2 AM in the morning and call in good night with texts of "night." She knew her face lit up when she saw those five words; she waited for that word before closing her eyes.

It certainly wasn't a healthy schedule and she unsurprisingly woke up with dark circles, but she thought about how she laughed that night about their witty remarks carrying the conversation on and felt that it was worth it.

When she had first told Hana about how she had been texting someone at 2 AM in the morning, the other girl had easily suspected it to be a guy. But Gou had added in that, "she didn't think she liked him. She just liked talking to him." That in addition to it being nice and gave her a change of pace. This was when Hana had said in response, "Yeah, right. That's what they always say." The redhead hadn't ever mentioned Seijuro because she knew her friend if ever, upon meeting him would question him and make everything awkward. Gou liked keeping her little secrets.

Finally snapping out of reminiscing, she thought about why Seijuro was asking to see her tomorrow. Because the usual place wasn't where they usually met, it was where they usually met _with a bunch of other people_. Maybe he had finally decided that he wanted to ask her out, like on a date, the hopeful side of her thought. When they had first met in high school, he had seemed interested in her.

However, she quickly shook that thought away and just fell back on her bed, ready to look her best in the morning and then sighing deeply, because Matsuoka Gou never looked good in the morning. She usually ended up with the appearance of a dying animal being deprived of air. But that night, she still tried to dream anyway.

She slept and when she rose, there was a sick, dreadful feeling in her chest. It was a void inside of her, full of dark matter and sucked up happiness, like an antagonist in children's stories. It wasn't like that feeling of your chest being compressed, just something churning in her stomach; signifying her of something not-too-great happening. The ominous feeling made her want to fall back into the mess of pillows and blanket on her bed for the rest of the day and not get back up.

Nevertheless, that was a temporary emotion and Gou had managed to get up and brush off the feeling as something that was going to happen in that hit drama she was watching (it was nearing the finale after all.) There really couldn't be anything wrong with meeting up with Seijuro. Gou was looking forward to it since 10 hours ago.

The red-haired girl was greeted brightly when Seijuro spotted her- full of waves, blinding grins, and shouts of "Gou-kun! Here! Over here!"

This was what Gou responded to with saying "Mou, drop that 'kun', prefix would you!" and she couldn't help the smile that pulled at her mouth.

They had ended up sitting at their lovely cafe table. Gou didn't know what it was about the place that really captivated her, but it drew her in like a moth attached to the porch light. The interior design was totally very comfortable and almost retro. And just like the metal signs that graced the wallpaper-covered walls, Gou liked remnants of the past: photos, amusement parks ( not theme parks, mind you), Sepia filters, and generally things that were melancholic.

The two had randomly brought up topics. Things that friends talked about, college courses, what was on the television and how the cake at the cafe was so deliciously fluffy and melted in your mouth. Gou had almost forgot that there was a reason why Seijuro invited her today when she suggested that they go to the library just a few blocks away. It was their norm; always food then hitting the library.

She got up to throw out her garbage and returned to the table grabbing her purse.  
"Wait, Gou-kun. There's something I have to tell you," Seijuro called after her.

"Right," she said looking over at him and took her seat again. "Go ahead." Her eyes were looking straight through hers and she managed to keep that dumb blushing off of her face. Her ears, however were heated.

"I've been thinking. It's the 2 in the morning ones- when the whole world is dark; I've been thinking." Gou was hopeful. She was who he talked to, technically texted at 2 AM- but that's beyond the point.

"Mhmm. I know what you mean." There was a thing with the way the night did to people. It made them think way more than they need to. It could cause insecurities and wistful delusions.

"So, I realized something about myself." The former Iwatobi manager, held her breath.

Her fingers were crossed in her mind, praying that he was going to confess to her.

And confess to her he did. Just not in the way she was hoping for.

"I'm gay," Seijuro said in all seriousness.

Gou heard what he had said, questioningly. She was doubting what she heard. It wasn't unnatural for her to mishear things. "Excuse me?" she asked.

"I'm gay," he repeated.

Of course- the first time that she ever really wanted to date someone, they turn out to not like her; or any other girl, for that matter.

She tried her best to carry on the conversation as she knew that if no one talked for a long time, there would be an awkward tension in the air. "Okay. Is there someone specific?" Gou asked, trying her best to be sensitive. There was a strange calm running through her body.

"No, it's more like a general thing." He had answered shaking his head.

"Does anyone else know?"

"Just you. I'm planning on telling Momo soon." Somehow, this had managed to make a her a bit happier. It was almost pitiful that she found comfort in such a thing. Maybe she was a little bit happy about being special in one way or another. It was such a desperate and pathetic thought.

Gou plastered on a fake smile skillfully like slamming stickers onto notebooks, but there were no stickers here. The pair managed to move from the cafe to the library. It was a fairly short walk away and her brain was just so filled with thoughts of what was going on. The girl moved around to the back of the teen fiction area and ran her fingers along the covers of books. There were so many and yet only a few caught her eye. Swirling fonts and pastel colors, formatting was key in attracting attention.

While Seijuro sat in one of the comfy chairs provided on the side, Gou was reminiscing about them chasing each other in between aisles. Thinking back on those times, she realized just how foolish she was. Gou twirled her ponytail, mentally reprimanding herself for expecting something, anything to spring from a stupid, stupid crush.

The two of them whisper slowly, with many pregnant pauses in each interval. Gou lashes at herself to speak and choose her words, carefully.

They make tentative conversations and every thing seemingly ends well for the two at the end of the day. But it isn't how it appears like because just below the surface Gou has tried so hard to tame, is a storm.

It's not until Seijuro drops her off at the train station does she realize this either. Gou does not have everything under control. A quick exchange of "Bye. See you some other time" and "I'll text you later" and she has to confront her own mixed emotions.

That strange sense of calm is back. Gou turns her music on shuffle and she's a bit relieved that the few scattered pieces of Indy and alternative rock blasts through her ear drums. They wind her down and she gets that feeling you get when you have avenged something. But she has not gotten her revenge on anything; it's just that weird feeling.

As she walks home from the train station, she was reminded of how in high school days, she wanted a gay best friend. But not like this, _not ever like this_. Not the one best friend that she was, if she dared to say, in love with. It just wasn't _fair_.

It isn't until she makes it home that her breathing becomes irrationally. She takes in many deep inhales wondering and breathing out _"Why?_"

And the female Matsuoka remembers that void and dark matter that she felt in the morning. It wasn't the damn K-drama. It was her fucking feelings. The ones that would never be reciprocated... because Mikoshiba Seijuro was never going to like her. She didn't have a chance.

Gou is dragged into her thoughts. Her brain only wants to shut down because she feels she's lost her mind. So she does the thing that she does best: she falls into her bed. Her comforter covers her street clothes; this isn't the time to change into pajamas. It's a time to just forget her feelings and clear her stupid mind.

Her bubble of frustration pops as she lost consciousness. She had fell asleep, encased in her blankets, her knees tucked against her chest. That afternoon Matsuoka Gou dreamt of smiling at Seijuro's beautiful face and being the best friend that she could be.

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**Author's Note:**

**I just love torturing the Matsuoka siblings don't I? I think I'm probably torturing myself writing so much angst. I'd like you to know that this story is based on something true. I hope you liked _Dark Matter_. I missed Sousuke's birthday! (-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩_-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩-̩̩̩)**

**I'm in my third week of high school and I'm trying out for the junior varsity volleyball team. Results come out on Monday and I'm so nervous. Five tryout days and this is going to be so important. （ ＴДＴ）**

**Leave a review or send me a PM. I love getting feedback! (◍•ᴗ•◍)❤**

**Word Count: 1877  
Published: September 20, 2014  
**

**Ivy, out.**


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